Join the pack

Strand Three: Build a stronghold

Unit Two: Networks

 

Humans like getting together. Unlike the polar bear, we live our lives in the pack.

What is your pack?

It's the groups you are part of: your kin, your tribe and your clan.

The first of these groups is family, your kinship group. Here you are accepted without question. Whether you, or indeed the rest of the group, like it or not, you are definitely part of this group.

Then there are other groups you belong to based around sports, religion, hobbies, socialising, work, your neighbourhood and your children's friendships. To a greater or lesser extent you have to earn a place in these groups.

Your tribe is the people you mix with out of choice. These are friends and people you share leisure activities with. You get along best in a tribe if you dress the same, hold the same values, socialise in the same ways or play the same sports. People join or leave the tribe as things change in their lives. So its numbers change constantly and the centre of power changes too.

The clan is your work group. More organised and with an obvious structure, your clan expects you to pull your weight. Clans are proud of being distinct from others and are quite willing to wipe out neighbouring clans if things get tough. Rather than tartan identifying modern day clans it is the brand and the logo.

Your home is your first stronghold. Your second is made up of your kin, tribe and clan. These are your networks, literally your safety nets.

To be happy and resilient we need to build supportive networks. And if they overlap a bit and we can intertwine them at the edges then that makes them all the better and stronger. You might feel networks are all about getting a job or selling life insurance. You might feel networking is one of those unpleasant modern skills that you can afford to deride as sham and inauthentic.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Humans are animals that live in hierarchical groups, even if we also enjoy being alone or in a couple. To be happy we need to have a pack, a network, where we belong and we are known. We don't have to lead every group, but we need to recognise how we fit in and what the unwritten rules of membership are.

The first place to find the threads of a network is inside your family. Think about all your kin still alive. How many do you talk to, exchange news and gossip with, plot and plan with, give and accept help and advice from? You may interact like this with your partner and children, but beyond this circle how wide does your family network spread?

Have you given up contact with some relatives because you've moved away, geographically or socially? Leaving home and moving to a new area helps ensure that our offspring are strong and healthy because we meet and marry new people and enlarge the gene pool. But that doesn't mean we can't mix with our brothers, sisters, cousins and parents as well.

We might have gained a different view of life from meeting people from other backgrounds but it's important we don't lose our place in our first network: our family. We don't need to even like them very much. We just need to recognise that they are key to building our stronghold and therefore to improving our chances of happiness.

Do this exercise.

Think about each of your close relatives. Do you chat with them, remember their birthdays or meet up for family gatherings? If not, why not? What stops you? Can you change these feelings? Can you agree to disagree about life with them? Can you tell yourself a past injustice has now got to be overlooked? Are you jealous or envious of them? Or do you just feel they are boring (in other words, of no use to you)? Whatever is stopping you keeping in contact make every effort to get over it. Because this blood relative network is the one you will need if disaster ever strikes. Against all their better judgement and personal prejudices they will take you in, help you, forgive you, or whatever else you need. But only if you have kept in touch, only if they believe you are all enmeshed together in the same network.

If you have close relatives whom you rarely contact, decide to make the first move in the next week. It doesn't need to be anything important. It just needs to be 'rubbing up alongside' - asking for their news or how their children are doing. You might believe this sudden interest will backfire. The likelihood is that it will not. Because when you make someone a part of your network you become a part of theirs. And networks mean strength through security. You may feel the strength-giving is all on your side. It is not. You may not yet know how these people can be a positive influence on your life, perhaps you will never need to find out, but the potential is there.

Mentally map out this, your closest network, and identify where the weak links are. Then start knitting up these links. Just as fishermen constantly check over their nets to sew up the parts that have torn, so you need to check over your family network regularly to ensure it is as strong as it can be.

You will find that time spent doing this not only offers insurance for the future but, because it is so deeply embedded in the human psyche, you will feel happier just by mending the net. Sounds unlikely? You will be surprised!

Now do the same for your tribe: the people you hang out with. And then for your clan: the people in your company or industry.

Are you a strong part of these networks or do you prefer to stay on the side-lines, criticising? These are the people who will help you out as long as they feel you are a reliable part of their networks. They are your stronghold in times of difficulty. You may rarely need their help, but knowing you are not alone allows you to live a fuller,happier life, one where you can afford to take a few risks.

If you feel low sometime in the future, look again at your kin, your tribe and your clan. How well have you managed to strengthen them? Are there unrepaired rips? A few dropped stitches in knitting don't seem to matter much until you put the jumper on. Then, under pressure, those slipped stitches start to run right down the garment and very fast the whole thing unravels. Is that what's happened to you?