Who said life was fair?

Strand One: Really basic stuff

Unit Three: It's not fair

One of the expressions we use, to others or to ourselves, when we are considering why we feel bad is 'It's not fair.'

So you're heartbroken your boyfriend has left you: 'I could have gone off with his best mate, he was always after me and he was gorgeous too, but, no, I was engaged to Sean and I stuck with him. Even when Sean got drunk and threw up over the sofa, I stuck with him. Even when his job moved I left my job and moved with him. Then the first time some girl in his office comes on to him he's off like a shot. It's not fair.' Why is it that this phrase so often accompanies our unhappiest moments?

To answer this I believe we have to look back to our childhood.

One of the tasks for parents is to get their child to fit into the group. Whilst enjoying our child's independence and individuality, we know that they have to learn to be part of a family, a group of friends, a school and ultimately many other groups as they grow older.

Groups get together because they share a common goal which might be easier to achieve together than separately, whether that is avoiding loneliness, making money or saving the planet. They hold together because they have rules which members uphold, even if they don't always agree with them. So a political party will hold together while certain members agree to disagree over aspects of policy but will fall apart when enough members feel the need to disagree openly and demand radical changes.

When a child is born a new group comes into existence: the family. The goals of a family are ultimately to provide the next generation with the means of survival though they might also include avoiding loneliness, creating support for the parents' old age and ensuring the passing on of not only genes but influence, values and/or assets. All families have rules. It's the parents' right to make these rules and decide how they will enforce them.

'Don't jump on the sofa with your shoes on,' is the rule in Adam's home. But today he wants to jump on the sofa straightaway. He knows the rule. He considers whether the pain of his mother's annoyance/withdrawal of her love/loss of his right to have a friend to play outweighs the joy of jumping on the sofa. Decides it doesn't and reluctantly removes his shoes.

But a moment later his brother comes in. He jumps onto the sofa to play. He is wearing his shoes. Their mother comes in. 'Mum. Look. John's on the sofa with his shoes on,' says Adam, full of self-righteousness. But their mother is in a hurry: 'Oh never mind. Come on you two we're going to the park.'

Adam is hurt. Why does the rule not apply? Why did he not get praised and his brother told off? In the past he's learnt the hard way that verbal rules from his mother are binding contracts. But that suddenly seems not to be the case.

Adam loves to have his father hug him. When Adam gets good grades at school he's noticed that his father is really happy and if Adam puts his arms around his father then his Dad will hug him back. It's a moment of sheer delight for Adam. So he usually works hard at school to make sure he gets as many of those hugs as he can. One day he comes home with a note from the teacher saying that he's been given an award for making progress in Maths. He presents the note to his father and waits shyly for the hug. 'Good lad, Adam. Now see if you can pull up your grades in English too. OK. I've got to rush. I've got a meeting in half an hour.' And his father leaves.

Adam is bewildered. Where was the hug? He'd worked especially hard to get a hug. He goes off to his room feeling down.

Adam is learning that people let you down by not giving you what they promise. It's not fair. And it is confusing and saddening. It makes you want to give up putting any effort in at all.

Most groups are not as clear about rules as a family is.

A personal relationship has unspoken rules, lots of them. We make them on the basis of our own family's rules in general. So we might have a rule which says: 'If one of us tries hard at something, making a good dinner for example, then they deserve to be thanked, praised and/or hugged.' But the other person may have a rule which says: 'Both of us should do our best to please the other person without expecting special treatment because that shows we respect each other as adults.'

When a specially good dinner is served and not even a thank you is forthcoming one partner is left feeling 'It's not fair. What's the point of this relationship if we don't live by the rules.' We've learnt that people let you down over rules from time to time. We know that makes us feel bad. Here it is happening again. Except that the rules were never explicit or agreed upon. And unlike in a family, in a relationship of equals neither partner has the right to set whatever rules he or she wants.

If you are feeling let down by a partner, a friend or a colleague and this is making you sad it is time to realise that fairness is just a concept used by parents to get their children to conform. Many groups we join spell out the rules but many do not.

Some religious groups spell out the rules in relationships but most of us form this special group of two without ever seeing the need to spell out every last rule of behaviour. Fair for you is not fair for the other person. Yet it really hurts when you feel you have been treated unfairly. This is because it hurt so much when you were very young. But you're not young now. Time to grow up. Time to unlearn the pain of childhood disappointment and learn to speak up about what you want (your rules). You'll have to be ready to compromise with your partner's or colleague's rules of course.

But perhaps you'd rather just leave it all unsaid. For important things, be open about what you want. If, on reflection, these things sound too trivial to discuss, then let go of your rules. It's the only way you will stop telling yourself that life is so unfair. Unless you are in the army or a child or under contract, the rules are rarely spelled out. So there is no fair or unfair.

So the woman in our first example will only feel better when she tells herself: 'I believed we both agreed on a rule of sticking by each other through thick and thin and being faithful whatever the temptations. But obviously that was my rule and he didn't have the same one. He must have had a rule that we should stick by each other unless the temptation was so great we felt we couldn't resist. Do I think he has enough other good qualities to discuss the difference in our rules in the hope of repairing our relationship? Or is faithfulness, whatever the temptation, such an important rule to me that it shouldn't need discussing? Perhaps a man without a rule of absolute faithfulness could never make me happy, because he must have learnt very different values when he was young. If that is the case then we'll probably see most things differently, especially if we ever have children to make rules for.' It's no longer a case of her going over and over the unfairness, getting more and more upset, just as she did when she was a child. It's a case of making a decision. It's about growing up and taking control of her life. She has to decide whether it's worth trying to get Sean to agree on a faithfulness rule – even if this is a compromise.

Lots of couples stay together despite unfaithfulness. That's because, on balance, it's better to be together than apart. It might be for security, money, or for the sake of the children. If compromising on her rule is unthinkable, she needs to take action. As young children we are bound to our parents because we need them to feed, clothe, house and protect us. So we do nothing and we suffer when 'it's not fair'. This is usually not the case with a partner today. We can take action. We don't need to suffer in silence.

I'm not saying that giving up a relationship you had high hopes for is easy. It will make you sad. But you need to build resilience to make sure that sadness does not just go on and on eating away at your happiness. When you were a child, alone in your room, thinking about an injustice you felt that dreadful sense of being unable to control your life. When family rules are broken we wonder what there is in life that we can rely on. But then something happens to take our minds off this. TV, a friend calling round, teatime, homework. The hurt might stay there inside like a mental scar but we move on. When we are older we hold onto the hurt for longer. It takes a new romance or something equally important to get us to leave go of the pain unless we accept that we have to take control, make a decision and move on, wiser.

'It's not fair' is an echo of childhood where rules were spelled out. But you're not a child. You have to accept that fairness is not something that is easy to demand in adult relationships.

Your exercise. Think about a situation that you tend to replay in your mind which you feel is unfair. Put into words the rules you feel have been broken. Ask yourself if these rules have ever been spelled out. Are they your own rules or are they the rules that everyone involved agrees to? If they are just your own rules decide how important they are.

Then make a decision to act.

Spell out the rules and tell the other person involved that you want them to agree to these rules too. You will have to be willing to discuss this and possibly compromise. They might say no to your rules. Perhaps they can't see the point of your rules, they like their own rules and don't intend to change. So is it time to move on? Or is it time to change? Is it time to let go of your rules and adapt? Either way you have taken control of your life. Now, instead of feeling 'it's so unfair' you can think, 'I want my rules even if it means that now I live alone,' or 'I would prefer my rules, but I've decided to compromise because what really matters is being with my partner.'

Your inner dialogue around fairness might be about a relationship, a friendship, something shared in the family, how you are paid at work or even the service you get from your garage. Whatever it is about it is important to be really clear about what rules are being broken. Then to decide whether to let the rules go because it will cost you too much to insist upon them, or to discuss the rules with the person that's breaking them. Only in this way do you stop churning this sense of injustice around your head and actually do something to change the situation.

Take the associated emotion away from the facts. Be clear what the underlying disagreement is. Then take action. You will find you feel a sense of release from negative, damaging feelings. You will be happier.

Do this exercise every time you begin to obsess about the injustice of a situation. Refuse to feel bad. Take control. Make a decision. Take action. Feel healthy and free of stressful emotion.